Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
