no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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