she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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