he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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