My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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