But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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