I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize