Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
