I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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