really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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