I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize