I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
