soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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