Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
