Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
