I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
