Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
