Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
