The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
