I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
