On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize