I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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