I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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