On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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