I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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