so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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