When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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