pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
