I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
