Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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