he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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