doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
