and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
