you should give me head with plastic fangs in
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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