your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
