Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It was confusing and full of hummus
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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