If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize