You just made me feel so damn special
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
