I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
