new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
