Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize