As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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