your parents love me but you hate me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
