We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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