Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
