You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
