I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
