So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
