Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
