Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
