Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
