i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
