I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
