Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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